The Wisdom of being 40-something

So tomorrow is my birthday....I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY,  it means I've lived another year and get to celebrate that awesome day that I was born.  However, I now have 40-something "eyes", I keep holding everything further away so I can read it, I NEED to take naps now and then, and the whole Pre- Menopause thing really sucks.  HOWEVER AGAIN......I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Being 20-something was fun, I lived down the shore, I partied with by friends, I wasn't tied down and lived and made some incredible mistakes, you know, like dating all the most incredibly wrong for me guys out there.  Then the end of my twenties came and I met my husband, and I'm glad because I was free to be me and did all the things a girl should do before she gets married (although I wish I had gotten to travel a little bit more, but my Cancun vacation was AWESOME, and nothing........NOTHING, beats living down the shore in your twenty something years).

Then came thirty....I had my babies, lost lots of sleep, starting getting grey hairs, still struggled with my past, wasn't able to COMPLETELY FORGIVE MYSELF AND OTHERS FOR THINGS THAT WERE OUT OF MY CONTROL AND SOME THAT WERE COMPLETELY IN MY CONTROL....but that was part of my destiny which leads to this very day, learned that married life is WORK......you start with an empty box and learn that every day it needs to be filled with something to keep that marriage going.....and that doesn't stop... I will talk about that again later.  Changed like a million diapers, and had the priceless gift of giving birth 3 times to three little miracles.  We never planned our pregnancies, I just figured God would give me what was meant to be.  And nothing beats holding a newborn baby in your arms and just watching them sleep.  Although, the postpartum that came with that wasn't so wonderful and neither was I.  Then I came into being almost 40 and things started to click, not right away, but a little at a time and then BOOM......

HELLO 40.  I had the best 40th birthday ever!  And then a year later that pre-menopause, anxiety, depression thing set in, NOT AWESOME AT ALL..........nothing that some therapy, God and some much needed medication couldn't help......LONG STORY SHORT.......I'm here, I'm alive, I've forgiven and been forgiven, I have learned to accept my past as a gift of wisdom and priceless knowledge.  I've learned to distance myself from unnecessary DRAMA, FROM NEGATIVITY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, SURROUND MYSELF WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.  I no longer feel the need to impress anyone or please others for the sake of being liked.....either you like me and you love me or you don't.  I much rather be liked, we all do, but not everyone will and THAT'S OKAY!   I no longer care what others (who don't matter) think of me, because it's none of my business.....MY BUSINESS IS THIS:  To be a good Mother, a good Wife,  a Good Daughter, A good Sister, A good Aunt, A family member and a Good Friend.
I love my husband with all my heart, he truly is the best friend I have ever had....we fight hard, but we love just as hard.  I love my CHILDREN and would give my life for them, they are the reason I was born. I was born to give life.  I love my parents (ALL OF THEM....THAT'S A LONG STORY, BUT THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW MY PAST, KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT).  I no longer stand in judgement of anything they did or didn't do....parenting doesn't come with a self-help book, though I wish it did for me anyhow.

I love my whole family, blood and non-blood...I love my friends, I have the best friends in the world.  I love my faith...I love God for giving me this life, for opening my heart and my mind.  I love the wisdom that comes with being 40-something...if only I could have a talk with that silly 20-something self of mine, WOW, that would be some conversation.  I probably wouldn't get anywhere with that, cause that 20 something has to figure it out on her own anyway.

So here I am, my last day of being 41 and I welcome the number 42, it just means that I have lived another year to see milestones, to grow more, to learn more and to most importantly love more.  So cheers to all of us 40 somethings....life is awesome (even when it's not awesome, it's awesome).....don't dread your birthdays, embrace them, because you never know how many more you have coming.

Oh and that Marriage box thing I talked about earlier......when you see it running low, put something in it, fix it if it's broken....fix it before it's beyond repair.  Love each other for better or worse, keep the magic  (hard with kids), but try really hard, learn not to be taken advantage of and to to take advantage of. AND MARRIAGE RULE #1, IF ALL IS GOING GOOD, PLEASE DON'T FIX IT IF NOT'S BROKEN.

Cheers to me, my life, the loves of my life and to God who makes all things possible!

Making Your Faith Bigger Than Your Worries

So, for the last few weeks, I have been a little worried about not finding employment for the summer.  I don't know how, but way down deep, I knew it would work out.  And it did.  It's funny how things like this happen when you make your faith bigger than your worries.  The older I get and the more in tune I become with that "little voice in my head", the more I know and trust that the big picture has already been written, we're just actors in the play of life and God is the Director.

The more I listen, the more I surround myself in positive settings, with people who "REALLY" know and understand me, the more control I have over the energy I allow into my life....into my home.  No life is perfect, no marriage, no parenting is perfect....there is no perfection, just trying the best with what you have.

What's quite interesting, is that the more positive energy you put out there, the more the "unhappy" people will try to take jabs at you and knock you down.  In a way, I believe, that's the devil knocking on your door.  Sorry, you can politely poke fun at me and I may even allow you to bring your passive/aggressive nature into my life....it's only because I pity those type of people.

It's amazing to me to see how many people have so much surrounding them.....a beautiful home, a fairly large paycheck, beautiful material things all around them but still are so miserable. None of that will make you happy without a spirit, grace and faith guiding you.

Life isn't easy, it's not supposed to be.  But what can make it more tolerable is your attitude towards things.  Sure, every now and then, you're gonna go through a rotten time, have a bad day, etc, we're all human.  But when you find something to complain about every day or worse yet, find the faults in others before taking a look at your inner most being, well, that's just pretty sad and really selfish.

If other could just live, and let live, stop poking your noses into every one else's business but your own, what an easier, drama free life, this could be.

So when you think you are having a bad day, think about someone fighting cancer, grieving the loss of a loved one, being bullied because of the color of their skin, some contemplating suicide because they are gay and not accepted by their families......think again and make your Faith bigger than your worries.

In the words of Bill and Ted....."Be Excellent to Each Other"

The End of Another School Year

So, the last few days have me thinking about the last 10 months of school.  I always get like this at this time of year.  It's kind of like when New Years Eve gets close and you go over all the good things, bad times, milestones, tears, and laughs.  

The school years started out really rough with Matthew ending up in the hospital with pneumonia.  We spent over a week in the hospital and then some recovery time at home.  I remember feeling so helpless watching him struggle to breathe in the hospital.  It was like watching him struggle for breath after he was born and had the cord wrapped around his neck three times.  All that came flashing back and there isn't anything you can do but sit there and watch.  With lots of prayers, tender loving care from the hospital staff and strong medicine he began to recover and I was so relieved to be home again with everyone.  

Then came OCTOBER and everything blew up again with Kailee being admitted into the hospital for behavior issues.  That day will forever be completely vivid in my head.....from the very morning till the emotional breakdown I had leaving her at the hospital that night.  I'm not sure how I came through that, but I know I never prayed and cried so much in my ENTIRE LIFE.  I never left her side when she wasn't well and now I wasn't allowed to stay with her.  I would have slept on the floor outside the door if they let me, but I knew I had to be strong for Matthew and Jeffrey.   I REMEMBER EVERYTHING, what I ate, where I shopped when I wasn't allowed to visit, what I brought her to eat, the games we played, the hours spent waiting for a phone call home from her while I worked at my new job, the book I read in the car.   As I drove home the second night she was in the hospital the song "Angel" by Celine Dion and R. Kelly came on and it took on such a different meaning for me.  That is now my song from me to Kailee.....always....Now it's been months of therapy and it seems like we may be on the other side of this storm, and you think to yourself you don't know how you are going to make it through, but you do.  And I can honestly say that if it wasn't for the love of the people around me, the countless prayers to God (and yes, my wonderful meds) and hours of therapy, I don't think I could have gotten through this.  Kailee is a handful and definitely a test of my patience, but she has a lot of great and loving qualities and I know that with maturity, more prayers and lots of guidance, there isn't anything we can't handle together.  

  Then we go back to Matthew who started showing signs of what could be Asberger's Syndrome.  And sure enough after enough appointments with specialists, we have a diagnosis....HIGH FUNCTIONING ASBERGERS SYNDROME.   I kept thinking well this is just who Matthew is....a little quirky, extremely sensitive and not just emotionally, brilliant, non-agressive, and always maintaining his awesome loving qualities.  He has had such a tough 4th grade year and it took a lot of fighting with the school, a lot of dr appointments, a lot of patience, reading and here we are coming out on the end of another storm with this awesome gift from God (that's what Matthew's name means)  He came into the world with obstacles and still faces them today but I will forever be his #1 Fan and #1 Advocate.  

Then there is my boy Jeffrey, who is MOST definitely entering the wonderful world of "PRETEEN".  I  am grateful for Jeffrey's wisdom and independence.  He's my easy kid, not always though....he cried for 9 months straight with colic, but after those 9 months, he's always been pretty easy....a little crazy, but easy.  I'm able to talk to Jeffrey about things going on in our lives in a real grown up sort of way.  There isn't anything I can't say to him and vice versa.  I'm so happy we have an open line of communication.  It makes me feel great when he asks questions about the birds and the bees and isn't afraid to do it, cause he knows I'm going to give him a straight age appropriate answer.  Aside of worrying about Matthew and Kailee, I believe he's had a good 5th grade year.  I'm thankful that he has surrounded himself with good kids for friends.  And when he plays the saxophone I know my Grandfather is looking down smiling upon him.  

We still have our obstacles with the kids and we have another one we are climbing right now.  As I said in my last post, rather than praying the obstacles away, I tell them to move aside.  There are easy days and there are some incredibly difficult days.  My faith is stronger and leaving the Catholic Church was the best thing I could have done for me and our family.  My beliefs haven't changed, but my faith in God has changed me. You see, this whole story was already written and scripted for me by God and it has brought me here to this very moment of solitude. Writing this brings me peace of mind and maybe something I say, will bring peace of mind to a friend who reads this,...putting words to paper, well, it does something for the soul.  Hearing that little voice when I'm in Church or praying or reading a devotional, well, that's God's Grace talking to me and I'm finally ready to listen, hear it, and embrace it.  

Today's Aha Moment

So, I love my job and it's definitely not an accident that I'm here, working doing what I love and surrounded by some incredible people.

My good friend came up to me today and said..."So, And....how are things today?"  I said..."Better, church really helped on Sunday".
She looked at me and simply said, "Stop praying about your Mountain and start Talking to your Mountain".  And this is coming from a truly spiritual, religious woman.  But what she said was so right on.  Some times instead of praying for something to go away, tell it to go away, make it your will to go away.  Talk about an "AHA" Moment right smack in the middle of the day!  She has my back when I need it and it's not the first time.  Her prayers have been working in my life since October.  She is my kindred spirit, an angel who was meant to walk in my path.

She always reminds me that our purpose for being here changes all the time.  One day we are needed for one thing,  and the next day something or someone else needs us or vice versa.

I just need to remember that everything happens for a reason and everything has a purpose under God.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

In a nutshell, there is a time to cry, to be happy, to be alone, to be together, to laugh.........and there always is a time to grateful.  We just have to know the big picture is already there, we just have to keep looking for it.  Sometimes what you need/want, has been there all the time.  

This crazy thing called Marriage

 Marriage....WOW....sometimes it's so easy and sometimes you want to run away.  When that happens I remind myself of the reason we are together in the first place.....LOVE.  In the beginning it's all new and fresh and yes sometimes silly.  It grows as you grow, as you have children, as you experience trials and tribulations, and as we mature and change.  Thank God for change....I can't imagine my 27 year old brain having to deal with what I live today.  Men are from Venus and yes, Women are from Mars.....there is no perfect husband or wife.  We will never truly understand each other....it's impossible.  But whats not impossible is to hear each other, I mean...REALLY LISTEN, not just with your ears, but with your heart.  We are all human and we all mess up, but those are the things we should grow from and move on from.  To dwell is stay stuck and who wants to stay stuck in the mud?  I love my husband, he is definitely my best friend, and the best thing about all of this is knowing that we don't always have to like each other, but we have to respect each other.  We hurt the ones we love, it's a part of life.  But those little knockdowns and sometimes big knockdowns are the things that make marriages stronger.  It takes two in every sense of the word...it takes two to love, two to fight, two to makeup up and two to work it out.  I believe it only takes one to quit and when that person quits you don't have "two" anymore....there's no more teamwork.  And sadly that happens a lot today.  So I pray for all marriages, for those who are divorced, separated, etc.  It is my prayer that "two" never become one.  But if you are one, just know there is love out there in this crazy world.  Life falls into place the way it's supposed to.  We may not understand our journey, but that's where patience comes in......

If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


There is a special song and it's our song....so when weeks like this happen I have to remind myself and yes....remind my husband because unless it's written on the Honey To Do List, he forgets....


Love is not a Fight, by Warren Barfield
Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

Daughters and Sons......two different worlds

So tonight was supposed to be a special night for my daughter but I knew (and no I was not projected negative aura into the universe) that she wouldn't take part in her Girl Scout Ceremony.  It was really nice to sit with my husband and sons to watch her practice, but when it came her time to be presented with her awards, she hid her face in my shoulder.  Now as a Mom you want to comfort and understand WHY??????  But for now there isn't an explanation of WHY, not yet anyway....maybe one day.  Really hard to get into the head of an extremely stubborn 7 year old.  I know I'm doing the best I can, but when these things happen, it automatically makes you wonder...."Am I doing something wrong, did I miss something?"  I don't know and maybe I never will, but I will try to know.  

On the other hand, you have sons, totally different species than daughters.....easy going for the most part, both in their own ways.  And yet so different from each other.  One is rough and tough and athletic and one is soft and gentle and a little professor of sorts.  

You raise them all the same, same love, same consequences, same rewards, same everything....I think anyway?  But yet they are all so different.  This thing called parenting, doesn't get easier, just more confusing I think.  It's made me smarter....more than anything I ever learned in school, that's for sure.  We all works in progress, I guess....but watching "little works in progress" is quite scary some days and other days, so very rewarding.  

But in the end, they are mine, (and my husband's).  It's a crazy journey, this thing called parenting, wouldn't trade it (maybe for a few hours at a time, thought), but no, would never ever trade the love I have and give and the love I've been given.